By Daniel Robin
Kevin and Denise have learned how to fight. With comments like “How could you …?!” and “I hate it when you do that,” they share little more than a difference of opinion. If we ask them “why” they are fighting, we will probably hear “because he’s being a jerk” or “because she won’t listen to reason.” That response explains only the cause of the fight, but not its purpose. A more precise question to ask is “What is the fighting intended to accomplish?” or “What is your real purpose or interest here?”
In our culture, we ask “Why?” without giving it much thought. It is culturally taboo to ask “Why?” in some parts of the world. In Kuwait, for instance, where taboos grow on trees alongside coconuts, I frequently heard “We don’t ask why.” In the west, we maintain a degree of freedom through our questioning of authority and assumptions. Rebellion runs deep, and questioning assumptions helps us take a clear stand in the world. How does it feel, however, when someone else questions your authority or assumptions?
The question “Why?” will either uncover the cause — an explanation of the event as a result of something that happened in the past — or it will reveal purpose, as an act intended to achieve something for the future. Why am I making this distinction? Better yet, what am I wanting to accomplish through making this distinction? I thought you’d never ask.
To uphold principles of continuous improvement and self mastery, asking yourself “Why?” questions is a valuable practice of self-inquiry; however, unless you have permission in your relationships to probe motives and reasoning, use a different word.
When there is a conflict or a difference of opinion, even if you don’t intend it, “why?” will usually be heard as second-guessing or questioning motivation. For instance, “Why did you smash your bicycle into the front of my car?” The causal relationship flavor of “Why” examines purpose and intentions. Rather than taking an unnecessary risk with “Why are we fighting?” substitute “What’s your intention in taking this point of view?” or “What do you really want here?”
Asking Inside and Outside
If you deeply ponder questions like “Why am I here? or “Why was I put on this planet?” you will discover and focus on your purpose or calling — on what you want out of life. By contrast, when gathering information from others, “why?” questions will tend to talk about what we don’t want (the problems of the past), limitations (why we have the problem), and point to who or what is at fault. “What” and “how” questions ask about future possibilities, can be used with greater precision, and generally don’t question the other person’s intelligence (there are exceptions, of course, like “How can you be so stupid?”).
Before it begins to sound like I’m why-bashing, “why” questions are particularly useful during problem-solving for tracing root cause — that is, what is it about the process or approach that will perpetuate what we don’t want until we fix it? “Why?” questions are often used in quality audits for this purpose. For example, “Why did the conveyor belt stop? It stopped because the ball bearings got too tight. Why are the ball bearings tight? Because they ran dry of oil. Why did they …” until you get to the process or underlying issue that needs to be addressed.
Lastly, if you really want to know cause, here’s a simple technique that is less inflammatory, to help you fly under the radar: State back what you heard the other person say, add the word “because …” and let it hang so they can fill in the blank. “You decided to send that memo to my manager because …” while you look on and listen with disarming curiosity and interest.
As change agents, we have to be open — not simply to new answers, but open to asking different questions. Questions that bring us toward win-win outcomes with our relationships strengthened in the process. So have fun with it. Why? Because ….
