By Daniel Robin
Key #0. When possible, prevent resistance in the first place. How? maintain rapport
However, when something happens outside your control (for example, the other person imagines that you want something that they happen to hate), these keys will help keep the conversation open so you can get to the bottom line: an agreement that allows the conversation to move forward.
Key #1. Notice and acknowledge it; clarify intentions
“How about if we stay in this conversation long enough to reach an understanding…?”
Key #2. Don’t take it personally; suspend your goal for a moment, be non-defensive
Since this resistance is not about you, put your goal aside for a moment and shift your attention to their perceptions, concerns, or other “reality” that seems in opposition to yours.
“Key #3. Investigate & learn about it; become curious and interested in what they perceive
“I’m curious to know …”
“I’m not sure if …”
“I wonder if …”
“I don’t know if …”
NOTE: All of the above phrasings, and any similar ones you invent, enable you to explore with an open attitude of curiosity, putting aside the “right answer” and your agenda long enough to discover something new about their view(s). By putting your attention on them this shifts out of the push/pull dynamics that often occur when one or both parties stop listening to each other.
You know what it feels like to be curious about something, right? Try adopting that feeling and body posture (your tone of voice will probably shift, too) before asking any of the above … it can be surprisingly disarming if you genuinely want to know and learn what they think, what they know and/or how they feel. Let that in and you’ll be well on your way to reaching an accord.
Key #4. Dance with it; move with it; side with it
“So, if I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn’t want that either …”
“I can see why you see it that way …”
Key #5. Separate the person from the issue; be tough on the issue (assertive) but respectful toward the person (considerate, cooperative, compassionate)
Key #6. Ask what would help; be empathetic and share honest feelings
“I feel X when you Y because Z …”
“What can we do about this?”
“I notice XYZ and I’m a little frustrated … what do you think would help?”
Use Resistance Reducer phrases (refer to our courses materials)
To maintain an open channel of communication with another person is to align with them, match them, meet them where they are. This is vitally important when you don’t happen to agree about something, and our coursework provides tools to help send a message that means you respect their point of view (even and especially if you don’t happen to agree with it), that you are open and willing to accept their perspective, and you thus let them know you’re there with them.
If you genuinely wish to impart new information or get them to at least understand you, actually listen to you, letting in what they’re presently missing, then it always helps to first acknowledge something about their come-from. That creates some “psychological air” — like breathing room — to want to understand you and the importance of your message. Nobody learns from someone they think is judging them or out to make them wrong, punish, hurt, embarrass or otherwise put down. Such dynamics can CAUSE resistance that might otherwise not exist. Only you can interrupt that pattern and set the tone and direction toward mutual benefit.
Using these tools and our well-proven Resistance Reducers takes practice. Nobody masters these skills by just reading about them. Just-in-time coaching (noticing opportunities to use your skills when you need them most) can help, but there is literally no substitute for mindful practice, practice, practice.
Contact | Daniel Robin & Associates — investment | alignment | commitment
