Or, “Stuff They Never Taught You in Driver’s Training”
By Daniel Robin
A friend of mine once said that driving in heavily populated parts of California is like being on heavy sedatives while simultaneously having an adrenaline rush. For many of us, the traffic patterns in industrialized regions are a lot like how we get things done in corporate bureaucracies: “hurry up and wait.”
The metaphor of highway traffic serves to explain a lot of why working with others produces the desired results only when we move at the right speed, at the right times. This article identifies strategies to build an autopilot communication system for increased rapport with all types of people. The result is that we’ll get things done faster, with less effort, and maybe even have more fun along the way.
As we drive around town or try to navigate on the “information highway” upon which so much of our work depends, we may ask ourselves, how is interpersonal communication like highway traffic? When communication works, like patterns of traffic, we flow in ways that get us to where we want to go, and we often don’t even notice how we got there. It’s when we must get somewhere and flow doesn’t happen that it grabs our attention. Effective communication, just like driving a dangerous and curvy highway, is all about cooperation and managing the flow.
Let’s go one step further. What would it be like if every time someone badly misinterpreted what was going on around the office, we saw skid marks on the carpet, coffee spilled everywhere, and smashed desks and chairs piled in the corner? If we could only see our communication breakdowns before they occur ….
How to Avoid Bashing Into Things
When we feel pressured or we get uptight, we tend to narrow our peripheral vision, withdraw our senses, and we forget that communication, like traffic, is a cooperative system. When communication matters most, where do we put our attention? Our peripheral vision, ability to hear subtle cues, and our body acts as an early warning system, and can help us carefully and skillfully avoid bashing into others.
When we put our full attention on the other person (or group), that’s Step One in maintaining rapport and flowing with them in collaboration. Of course, before establishing that link, know your goal, know your purpose in being there, know what you want out of the conversation. Then you can fully shift your attention to them, and trust that you’ll somehow end up where you need to be.
The Magic of Rapport
Rapport is the condition of being in sync, in tune, on the same wavelength. I’ve heard it said that with enough rapport, anything is possible; without rapport, practically nothing is possible. In business, rapport is needed to coordinate action and exchange information. Rapport is at the foundation of all our relationships. Ironically, most business decisions are based on rapport, not on technical merit or the best idea. Rapport makes or breaks most aspects of getting what you want.
How much rapport do you need? Depends on your goal.
To maintain an open channel of communication with another person is to align with them, match them, meet them where they are. This doesn’t mean you agree with them, necessarily, but rather that you are open and willing to accept their point of view and you let them know you’re there with them.
Try this experiment. Think about someone you know who is very much unlike you. (Use a troublesome co-worker if you can’t think of anyone better.) Can you imagine yourself matching their basic mood, posture, body language, energy level, tempo, and world view? How would you look and sound if you were like them? Try this next time you are in a conversation with this person. Pick one or two aspects of their behavior, like their voice tone and tempo, and duplicate it. Say things the way they do. Sit and move as they do. They won’t notice that you’re being like them — people only notice differences.
After you’ve done that for a while, practice matching their vocabulary, their apparent mood or underlying values, their posture, or their breathing. Are these more of a challenge? Matching does not have to be direct. Crossover matching (using a different side or other body movement, not to be confused with cross dressing) can be as effective and more subtle. By practicing this periodically for several weeks, it becomes even more automatic, and you will fall into step with others more quickly and easily.
Consumer protection warning: If you match or “pace” people long enough, you’ll start to like them!
The purpose of this approach to building rapport (matching and aligning with the other person) is to get fully in step with them, so that the next step you take, they’re more likely to follow. When you start by matching and meeting them (not expecting them to come to you), you can take immediate control of the situation and move with greater confidence that they will stay with you. Worst case, matching gives you something to do when you get bored during staff meetings.
The next section takes rapport-building one step further: defining the meaning of your communication, and shows how behavioral flexibility strengthens your power to influence and persuade others.
