By Daniel Robin
This article describes a set of new rules for effective workplace communication in an ever-changing economy. It assumes that you are part of a high-performing organization that values innovation, participation (collaborative vs. command-and-control styles of leadership), mutual accountability and, to some extent, sustainability. Doesn’t sound like your workplace? Perhaps that’s part of your interest in this topic, for your own leadership or to influence the leaders.
Either way, awareness of these rules and corresponding tools to implement them will help make you more indispensable and increase your enjoyment at work.
Why do we need new rules anyway? Much has changed in recent years, spelling out new expectations. With all the turmoil and dislocation lately, there’s probably no such thing as “business as usual” anymore. New ethical and interpersonal standards are needed.
Here are the dynamic dozen:
- Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real
- Give up the need to control others
- Outrageous mutuality
- Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind
- Be real to get real
- Be like them
- Be transparent, not defensive
- No Whining, No Blaming
- Use a light touch
- Give to Get
- Be Your Word and honor commitments
- Respect time
The purpose is to get more of what you want, and have that hold up over time. To have quality of life at work without getting fired. To head off interpersonal friction before it becomes a problem. To deliver more value with less effort, and enjoy commensurate rewards.
In societal terms, perhaps the result of decades of living “unsustainably,” buying into myths and illusions that we are perfectly in control of our future (hint: nature does have a say), or perhaps due to “sensibility impairment” by those in charge about the path to a sustainable society, our compass must be recalibrated to again point to True North (hint: don’t buy real estate in low-lying coastal zones for awhile — at least not without flood insurance).
Stock markets and climate events (and thus investors and residents) seem more vulnerable to sudden, unpredictable changes than ever in history. In the current political climate, “true stories” has become an oxymoron. What do you believe? I believe we’ll have to wait for this storm to pass.
This moronic complexity seems emblematic of the need for a better understanding of what governs both built and natural environments. Most of us cannot do much about the computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own interpersonal exchanges. Let’s take stock of these proposed new rules, one at a time. The goal is to instill both resilience in the face of change and prevention (heading off bigger problems or seizing opportunities) at the right time. A variation on changing what we can and accepting what we cannot.
Some of these rules may be familiar (classics in the making), some more exotic. They are all useful in certain contexts, and with practice you will be better prepared for whatever comes at you next. And what is that, you ask? What comes next? Since none of us knows, exactly, what better response is there than to gather new tools and make them available for when you need them most. Study and practice in this regard will open up new options, new avenues, greater flexibility and focus in your response to any situation. As the saying goes, “choice is better than no choice. ”
For reference, we define collaborative leadership as the capacity and skill of working together to shape our collective future, and to sustain the process of change required to do so. Sustainability is “the possibility that humans and other life will flourish on Earth forever,” says John Ehrenfeld, a pioneer in the field of industrial ecology.
Many of the old rules for doing business have turned to dust, such as “shareholders come first.” Do they really? What would BP say to that? What if there are no longer any shareholders because the value of those shares suddenly vaporized? The old rules – and conventionality itself, it seems –no longer applies.
With a toxic vinaigrette now floating around the Gulf of Mexico, looking for a parking place, some new rules seem in order. I’m not suggesting the lack of these rules caused this unpecedented disaster, but I am saying that screwed-up communication may have been part of it. “I thought you said it was fail-safe!” “No, I said we’d be safe if it failed.”
We cannot do much about exploding oil platforms or computers that are the probable cause of runaway stock exchanges, but we can take responsibility for our own exchanges. Let’s take stock of these dozen new rules as a platform for getting more of what we all want:
1. Get off my cloud! Boundaries are real, even if you can’t see or touch them. Our expectations about adequate “personal space” – our tolerance of inquiries about your life outside of work, for example – vary greatly from one person to another. For you, it may be fine to share what you did over the weekend, but for another, absolutely none of your business. How you treat others can be interpreted as a sign of keen interest and empathy or as an invasion of personal privacy. Either way, pay careful attention. This and other boundaries deserve your respect. For example, a cooperative work relationship can quickly turn sour if you unwittingly step over a boundary and refuse to apologize at the perceived offense. So what if you needed a pen and raided a colleague’s desk without their permission … for that colleague, their desk is a sacred “safe space” away from a turbulent home life, not an office supply store. When knew?!
2. Give up the need to control others. As far as illusions go, control is one of the best, but it is also overrated. We all want to be “in control” of ourselves, our lives, and the things that happen along the way. Good luck with that. Gone are the days of having a tidy plan for, well, almost anything that involves other people, and a lock-step linear path to those end results. Okay, those days never existed. So what do you do with your fierce need to control?
a) Instead of buying into illusions (a form of magical thinking, but if that works for you …), you can practice moving with what’s happening in the moment, especially at first. Note that may be sharply divergent from what you think you wanted, or what you initially intended. This “moving with” keeps you tuned up for change. Listen to points of view that you think are just plain off, misguided, wrong-headed, … and see if you can accept even if you cannot agree. This practice will radically increase your adaptability, flexibility, agility. “Blessed are the flexible for they shall not get bent out of shape.”
b) How do you achive this ideal? One way is to Go slow to go faster. If you take time to meet someone where they are, rather than expecting them to come to you, you’ll get a better result.
3. Outrageous mutuality: Take responsibility for maintaining two-way dialogue. No victims here. Skillful listening is certainly useful, to a point. There are clearly limits, and you own setting them for yourself. If the other person talks and talks … continues talking right over you, even when you want to respond, it is on you to interrupt with something like “I hold myself accountable to actually hearing what’s important. I got lost back there.” Or simply “May I respond?”
Consumer protection warning: If someone begins to bore you with an elaborate story about which you care nada, interrupt early, explaining that you are “not available” for that. Do it before you start to feel resentful. Do it with a light heart and a feather. If all else fails, change the subject.
4. Stop talking [and other activities] into the wind. “Is anybody out there?” Talk less, listen more. Ask questions and dig for answers you can use. Be curious and interested in what other people think and know. If negotiating, FIND OUT what they want first, if possible. Leverage that toward all-win agreements if you want them to last.
5. Be real to get real. When in conversation, don’t just be “nice” to please the other party, be real. Being real includes taking turns to get and give information, but it also includes being up front about goals and intentions. What do you really want? What about the other party? Do you have a common basis for being in conversation let alone for making a lasting agreement? No interest in their story? Say so up front. The secret is how. {Maybe “no secrets” should be #5a?}
6. Be like them. Be yourself, of course, but you can also stretch over, at times, to be more like them. If you are truly yourself, you get an “A” for authenticity, but without this attention to the other person, you might also get a “D” for defended and dysfunctional from your conversation partner. How many times have you heard someone say “Interrupt if this gets boring”? or “I know I talk too much, but …” What do you do when you hear something that offends you? How do you handle interpersonal friction in the moment? If your attention is truly on them, and you know that this is a conversation, where you take turns, you can let the other person be fully understood before asking for the same courtesy. It is the psychology of negotiation – people listen better once they’ve been listened to. If you are having a hard time understanding where they are coming from, you’re not paying attention or asking enough questions. Get off your own map and get on theirs. Ask, “Are we in New Jersey?” and make sure you are indeed approximating mutual understanding.
7. Be transparent, not defensive: “I am not defensive!” Right. Admit mistakes, or at least the possibility of a mistake. Acknowledge that there are some things you do not know; seek input and counsel from others. It’s hip to not have all the answers. Customers and employees want to see “behind the curtain.” They want to understand your thought process, the policies, plans, and products you rejected as well as those you proudly launch. Some companies carry this to an extreme and regularly publish sustainability reports, detailing their accomplishments but also their gaps. Cleverly enough, sustainability reporting and the process of organizing the teamwork, processes, metrics and data (content of the report), is part of our offer of services.
Sidebar: For many companies, large and small, Sustainability Reports (and the periodic reporting process) became the framework for action – the “what to do” on the path to sustainability. In that sense, reports become a strategic management tool. The performance aspects come into play when management realizes that they can significantly impact results by observing key indicators and using them to dynamically shift practices such as inventory levels, energy and other resource use cycles, labor and turnover costs, etc.
8. No Whining, No Blaming. Blame went out of style in the 1980’s … and whose fault is that?! If you are transparent and responsible for the results you get, there is no blame, there is no failure, there is only feedback and learning. Definitely no need to whine. Instead, design. Rather than blame, aim toward goals. Sniveling and complaining is definitely out. Got an issue, here’s a tissue.
9. Use a light touch. You can usually deliver heavy news without being heavy handed. Someone breaks a rule, you break a fingernail, nothing more. If you can avoid threatening more severe bodily harm, and try not to run over people, that usually helps, too. Apparently, it is now somewhat culturally acceptable, at least in the West, to mix business with pleasure. Maybe it has always been, and I’m just late the party. In any case, lighthearted videos, fun quizzes, and offbeat content is rapidly moving from acceptable to essential. Not in every situation, of course, but most of the time, humor will help get your message across and make it longer lasting, more vital and viral.
10. Give to Get. Hardball negotiating tactics go over like a lead balloon. “My way or the highway!” ultimatums usually don’t get you anything but more resistance. Take a hint from bloggers and Web 2.0 culture, which is based on generosity, where people believe that no good deed goes unrewarded. It’s a new mindset for certain organizations, but an indispensable one. Even if you and your firm must be seen as hardliners, holding strong to principles and boundaries, no need to show up as hard on people. Be hard on the issues and generous and you’ll win more often and have those agreements work out in the long run.
11. Be Your Word and honor commitments. This one is age-old, timeless and not to be underestimated. The currency of most relationships is based on whether your “word is your bond.” In other words, be trustworthy – that is, worthy of trust. Follow through on your personal and professional commitments to your colleagues. If your reputation at work is ever on the line, your co-workers will be more likely to reserve judgment and grant you the benefit of doubt…just when you need it the most. What else do you have but your word? What matters more to upholding your reputation?
12. Respect time. Some people you work with are social animals who enjoy the banter and casual conversation that goes on in every office. Others can live without it – they just want results. Notice the rhythm and ease with which co-workers exchange pleasantries with you (or not), and engage them up to but not exceeding their comfort zones. This ties back to #6, be like them. Notice their body language before it becomes a point of irritation or annoyance. Learn to anticipate. When they get antsy or start glancing at their watch, it is probably over the line and no longer a sign of respect. Check in often and trust your intuition.
Do not attend a meeting without a clear up-front agenda. When things start to wrap up, summarize and check to see if there’s anything else to cover … don’t let the meeting just fizzle and run out of steam. Meetings are often over long before most people leave the room. Call a meeting complete and hang out socially if that’s what you want, but don’t drag others into your (or fall prey to others’) squishy boundaries.
