False Responsibility and Its Remedies
By Daniel Robin
Most adults have a natural ability to decide what’s in and what’s out. Our family of origin, fears, unrealistic expectations, and stressors such as pressure or anxiety sometimes cloud our judgment. The goal is to respond in ways that allow us to make high-quality decisions more often, steering clear of the landmines of false responsibility.
Pride of Ownership
In prior articles (“Personal Growth on the Job”), we’ve suggested that one key to success is to take personal responsibility for the results you get. Even when others are into deflecting (“It’s not my fault”), projecting (“You need electro-shock therapy!”), or blaming and shaming (“You didn’t explain it right.”), you can strengthen your approach while earning respect for your commitment to learning. However, no matter what the other person owns (or doesn’t own), there are limits to “healthy responsibility” at work.
These limits come in three forms:
- Under no circumstances are you responsible for other people’s feelings or experiences.
- Caring about an outcome is different than having to control it.
- When there’s change, notice and adapt lest ye get “bent out of shape.”
Limit #1: Even when you directly contributed to someone else’s experience, you are not responsible for their feelings or problems. To accept some responsibility for the situation would require your voluntary consent. I’m not suggesting that you ignore their communication or that you not listen. Indeed, listen carefully and responsibly to their “stuff” – just don’t take it on! Realizing that it’s their stuff means you need not defend or argue. This is their experience, and it is a fact for them. Let it wash over you.
If you are having a hard time listening without judging, ask them to “speak from first person” – as in, “I understand you feel that I let you down; what was your firsthand experience?” If necessary, request that they “Start with ‘I …’.”
By not internalizing other people’s “stuff” as your own, you maintain healthy interpersonal boundaries and get the truth out on the table (“So, you were disappointed that I didn’t come to that meeting, and now you’re concerned about your workload … is that right?”). Hear them out, but don’t step over the line into care-taking (popularly known as “codependence”). Openly discuss what can be done. They have total responsibility for what happens in their life, not you.
Limit #2: Caring about an outcome is different than having to control it. Overcaring about a goal doesn’t achieve optimal results – it prevents them! For example, if a manager claims to be fully responsible for all the outcomes of their department, what’s wrong with this picture? For starters, not all the outcomes are up to that manager. It’s joint responsibility for shared outcomes: the staff does their part and the manager does theirs (hopefully). Though based on a good intention (caring), taking false responsibility (overcaring) is a setup – a guarantee of overwork, underplay, stress and eventual burnout for a manager, depriving employees of power and recognition.
Of course, not assuming enough responsibility (“Who, me? I’m not even involved…”), would also be a problem. Aloof and detached “undercaring” triggers those who tend to overcare, both going nowhere in a hurry. Remedy: assume functional and healthy responsibility, which may involve an adjustment in thinking, language and approach.
Limit #3: Pushing to change circumstances beyond our control causes frustration and wastes energy. Being fixated on the way it has to be leads to “overpush” – the tendency we all have to escalate, retaliate, do battle … temporarily buying into doing the impossible.
For example, imagine you’re driving to an appointment on a tight schedule and suddenly there’s a sea of red brake lights in front of you. Do you go into stress or despair (“overpush”), get creative (“Hmmm … how do I part the red sea?”), or sigh and reschedule?
A Healthy Response to Change
Let’s take a closer look at the human response to changed circumstances: temporarily holding onto what doesn’t work, such as forcing the original plan, trying to control the uncontrollable….
If I get attached to things being a certain way (other than the way they actually are), I take false responsibility, producing suffering rather than results.
What does it mean to take healthy leadership responsibility when dealing with unanticipated problems? How do you usually respond when … a higher-up blocks your plan, a valued team member quits, the network and/or the stock market crashes?
Take the False Responsibility Quiz …
See if you can identify the false responsibility in the following “day from hell” of a human being near you:
- Heading toward an appointment on a tight schedule, you encounter a major delay. Sadly, you left your helicopter in your other suit. You fantasize about driving along the shoulder or pushing cars out of your way. After more than a modest amount of head-banging, you call and reschedule.
- Back at the office, your computer commits suicide at the worst possible moment; Bill Gates fails to answer your page. You mentally rehearse a scathing e-mail message (fortunately, it will stay mental due to lack of a keyboard). Can’t we just start over?
- The project meeting drags on and people seem to be un-evolving before your eyes; although selection, mutation and extinction are a part of nature, you’d rather not watch it happen at work. The facilitator isn’t helping matters, so you blurt out “You’re a fool with a flipchart!”
What part constitutes false responsibility (hint: head-banging, chewing out Bill Gates, and calling the facilitator names isn’t likely to help you achieve your goals in life – although it certainly may provide momentary stress relief).
Of course, I’m confident that none of the above has ever happened to you … but if it did, would it inspire you to find a better way?
Overcare and Overpush: Plead Temporary Insanity
For example, let’s say a trusted co-worker accuses you of incompetence: “You obviously don’t know what you’re doing!” You have three basic options:
- Freak out (curse their mother, fantasize legal action, throw something at them, etc.)
- Feel hurt and cry.
- Let go of the need to change “what is” and calmly get creative.
A key to getting where you want to go when unanticipated problems arise (the air gets let out of your tires, so to speak) is to pinpoint your intention and let go of everything else.
So why do we hold on to what doesn’t work any more – for even an instant?
Stress Makes People Stupid
What keeps people from “letting go” when holding on clearly isn’t going to work? Stress is what happens when the mind overrides our common sense. Pressure and anxiety have a blinding and distorting effect. According to Daniel Goleman in Emotional Intelligence (I’m paraphrasing) certain types of stress activate the “stupid” centers of the brain. When emotionally upset, “people cannot remember, attend, learn, or make decisions clearly.”
Short answer: negative stress clouds judgment, and we need to notice it. The idea is to unlock some of the agitation or anxiety – undo the mental vapor lock. Return to center.
How you deal with such “hijackings” says a lot about your leadership ability. See if you recognize any of the following telltale signs of taking false responsibility at work:
- Agitation or anxiety heightens as you gradually realize you’re wasting your time.
- Frustration, perhaps punctuated by despair that leads to moments of self-doubt.
- The feeling you get when you know it’s pointless (too late, won’t matter, doomed to fail, etc.), and yet somehow you keep trying.
These are all signs that the following process could come in handy.
Process for Releasing False Responsibility
- Call a “time out” – STOP the action! Shift from external focus (the thing that’s got you upset) to an internal check-in.
Important: Resist the temptation to work on solving the situation until you’ve completed steps 2 & 3. You’ll make better choices after you’ve pinpointed your intention and released some of the angst or frustration. - Remember (or invent) your goal. “What was my original goal?” Write it down. Then ask yourself: “Why did that goal matter?” or “Why did I want that?” or “What will that do?” Answers to any of these questions get the bigger picture intention behind your goal, often tapping into what you really want.
- Ask yourself to “let go” of what’s not working. Soon the so-called “problem” of the moment will quickly melt into a vast stew of “little stuff” – and yes, it’s all little stuff! Ask yourself “Of what could I begin to let go?” or “Could I release part of my need to change this situation and accept ______?” You know what’s been getting in your way.
- Assess your options. Now that you’ve separated your intention from the overpush (steps 2 & 3, above), take a calm and careful look at what you’ll do to honor your intention.
At times like this, it may also be useful to seek out a little coaching from someone who listens well and knows how to not give advice.
All three forms of false responsibility – taking on other people’s stuff, overcare, and overpush – are downside risks of caring and ambition. This isn’t to suggest that you pretend not to care or that you lower your aspirations. To the contrary, awareness of this pattern provides a way to care and succeed with far less effort and greater confidence.
