Dealing with Aggressive Leaders — One Dirty Look at a Time
By Daniel Robin
“If you aren’t going to finish the project, just tell me so I can find someone who will!” The edge in Tony’s voice has a chilling effect on the room. Paula indicates that the project is coming along just fine – under the circumstances – and gives Tony a look that suggests that a staff meeting is not the place to air such frustrations.
After a brief but thick silence, Tony blurts out: “Look. I don’t care what it takes, but I want this project complete within two weeks. Am I making myself unmistakably clear?”
Noticing that Tony’s frustration has shut down his reason-ability (he’s not listening), she decides to take this one offline. “Yes, Tony. I understand your goal,” Paula responds evenly. “But, could we please talk about this privately after lunch?”
Tony rolls his eyes, and abruptly slaps shut his Day-Timer. Paula lets out an audible sigh of relief as Tony hurdles himself toward the exit, sheets of paper flying in his wake.
“Well, wasn’t that refreshing?” Or was it just dysfunctional? Probably depends on whether Tony was having a bad “I don’t care” day, or whether it reflects a long-standing pattern. Let’s explore what Paula did and why.
Standing Up to Workplace Bullies
Patterns of overly aggressive leadership must be handled expediently or employers could face legal liability (due to a “hostile work environment”). We’ll touch on way of ensuring that patterns of overly aggressive or abrasive leadership in others are met with a combination of compassion, skill and extremely clear boundaries. Interpersonally, a key is knowing when to stand your ground, push back, buy time, or walk away.
- Buy time. It may be appropriate to politely call a “time out” and ask if the so-called meeting (which may feel more like an impending train wreck) could continue at another time. This “strategic avoidance” protected Paula from escalating into a fight, or from being stepping on needlessly (accommodating). It also protects both parties from saying something they’d likely regret. It may help to suggest specific times (“Tuesday at 1 or 4?”) for returning to the conversation.
- Stand Your Ground. If you want to establish a professional tone, you might want to acknowledge that you understand the importance of the other person’s view, highlight any areas of agreement, and then point out where you don’t happen to agree. By politely and diplomatically dealing with “what is,” the other party is less likely to resist, more likely to calm down. Otherwise, you might just say “I’m not willing to fight with you about that,” and walk away.
- Push back. When does it make sense to push back? When the issue is more important than the relationship. Or, when the situation just does not sit well with you, even after thinking it over. If the other person is openly angry or emotional, wait; there will be a time to make your point. Don’t waste your energy attempting to push back when the other party only wants to escalate.
- Accommodate. One of the most common responses to a leader who is taking a “no holds barred” approach is to simply go with the flow. A wise choice if you can find the non-defensive, generous strength to do so. If it’s a pattern, however, keep track, writing down the facts of what happened, including what stopped you from using one of the above approaches.
Overall, success comes from noticing other people’s mood and emotions without becoming identified, confused, or hooked by it. Just let in their experience (even if you disagree with the implications), acknowledge it as fact for them, and then think about something more important, like breathing.
