The Difficulty with Difficult People (Who, no rx me?)
By Daniel Robin
Each of us has a “difficult” person hiding inside. Some have it well hidden and only let it out on rare occasions – unleashing it at the driver of another car, viagra or during competitive sports, capsule or as a familiar loop with a family member. Still others, despite best efforts at self-control, are just one step away from being the case study at some workshop on difficult personality types.
Thankfully, few candidates for “impossible person of the year” ever get to positions of power (notable exception: Dilbert’s boss), and most of our tendencies to cause a fuss or get belligerent can be channeled into something constructive. However, nobody’s perfect, and when the trouble comes, a quick recovery – resilience – is a key workplace aptitude.
I Am Not Difficult!!
Of course, it’s much easier to recognize when someone else is being difficult (like when they screw up and try to blame you for it). How do you now handle what I’ll call workplace P.E.W. – “persistent, exasperating weirdness.” PEW!
For instance, how can you deal with “dishonest” behavior, such as lying, theft, etc.? It does no good to assume that someone is acting suspicious (or paranoid…), as that simply creates an endless loop that will perpetuate more of what you don’t want, wasting time, draining energy. Assuming someone is stealing won’t help you reach the goal of stopping the pattern of PEW.
This explains why it is not helpful to label people as difficult (no matter how difficult they are). Unconsciously, we’ll begin putting people into buckets – “Oh, he’s just a complainer,” “She is an intimidator…” and somehow expecting them to be that way. See if you can detect your self-talk chiding you, asking “Are they going to do that thing I hate?” Remember the original goal.
When You’re a Hammer
I’m not suggesting they don’t deserve the label, but only that it can cause trouble due to the “hammer-nail” syndrome. This syndrome implies that if your most familiar tool is a hammer, the whole world starts to look like a nail. So if you study and learn how to deal with complainers, you’ll be likely to look for that behavior so you can smack it – bang, bang. Now what?
Changing unwanted behaviors into constructive ones usually involves attention and some sort of an intervention by you, by a representative of management, or by a third party agent. If the person is being asked to stop using verbal put-downs, for example, be sure to include what they are to do instead (as basic as that may sound): help them develop a new skill or ability to transfer the positive intent behind the put-downs into something that communicates that intention. Tapping into motives and intentions will make for an easier and more productive conversation than simply saying “See, you’re doing it again … knock it off.”
Build a Strong Culture and the Leaders will Emerge
Have you noticed how “difficult” people – and the difficult situations they inspire – travel in herds? Fortunately, there’s a predictable pattern to most workplace weirdness. Unfortunately, by the time that pattern reveals itself, getting back to zero takes considerable work (not to mention patience and skill). To avoid the hammer-nail syndrome, an effective business strategy is to focus on fostering an environment where “difficult” behaviors are systematically discouraged.
Clear, willful agreements and precise accountability systems are the lens through which most difficult behaviors are discouraged, which frees people up from having to be “on guard” to instead focus on strengths, solid commitments, recognition and results.
As people tend to model what they see others doing – not what they hear espoused as corporate philosophy, but what they actually see demonstrated each day – effective people management and leadership skills are a key to fostering such an environment. This sets the tone and leads by encouragement, not fear.
For instance, it works better to bring peer pressure to bear on workplace issues like dishonesty and theft. To explain how such behavior hurts everyone will start to establish a social norm – a behavior standard, or code of conduct – that indirectly informs each worker of “how things are done around here.” Such an effort will reduce the chances that the organization will develop “difficult” people in the first place while circumventing troublesome behaviors before they spread.
Part 2 gives strategies for handling difficult behaviors and your responses to them. Follow this next link to view a related articled entitled “The Gentle Art of Confrontation,” a practical look at how to get people to actually hear bad news, or click below for Part 2:
Whose Stuff Is It?
Dealing with Difficult Workplace Behaviors, Part 2
