Power Plays With People
By Daniel Robin
In a workplace mediation session, one employee set a powerful boundary with their manager, saying: “I’ll never let you tell me what to do. I’ll listen carefully to your request, and then I’ll let you know how I’ll do it, and by when. You have a problem with that? Try joining the Army; then you can order people around and get away with it.”
Somebody had to stand up to the boss’s outdated autocratic style. It took a lot of courage to say this. It took just as much courage for the boss to hear it as feedback (even though it was probably meant as an attack). Several weeks after these sessions, both the boss and the employees were able to use this confrontation to mutual advantage: they’re now getting more done, getting recognized for it, get included in decision-making, feel like there’s room to kid around, and thus grant even more power to the agreements that do get formed.
Back Seat Driver?
Everybody comes to the table with the same potential to be a powerful contributor, a “power broker” as they say. If this is true, then why do some people seem to run the show while others take a back seat? The answer is that some people like the back seat; some can claim and use their power from any seat, while others can’t or won’t, or don’t know how.
“Running the show” doesn’t mean you have power — sometimes the person who says the least has the most influence, while a loud and demanding person, perceived as being in charge, is actually polarizing others and preventing their ideas from being accepted and used. And no wonder they’re being so demanding: there’s a viscous cycle of neediness, frustrated demands to have their needs met, lack of rapport, and more unmet needs. No leverage, and not much power. Instead of that, treat others as an equal, and you’re more likely to get treated equally.
Power Is Never Having to Say
One definition of power is “the perceived ability to do work, solve problems (like conflicts) and get results.” Like electric power, the interpersonal stuff is invisible (PG&E will never know), but you can sure tell when you’ve got some, and when there’s an “outage.”
Interestingly, like so many things, if we think we don’t have power, or we think we do, we’re probably right. For instance, when dealing with retail stores, I nearly cringe when I hear “I can’t … it’s our policy” Power outage! Passing the buck, blaming someone else, deflecting and finger-pointing intends to protect, defend, and take the heat off the person doing it. Of course, when they abdicate responsibility, they also become powerless to do anything to solve the problem.
If the issue is within that person’s circle of influence, I help them help me with questions like “What’s the positive intention behind that policy?” and (only in rapport), “I’m curious to know who makes [and thus is in a position to bend] the policy.” A coaching question would be “Great, so now that I know your policy, and you know what I want, how can we work it out so that you don’t get in trouble, and I get this resolved within, say, the next five minutes? … Sure I’ll talk to your supervisor.”
Power is different than authority or dominance. Your job, role or position gives you authority; your awareness, skills and behavior give you power. Notice that we don’t have interpersonal power per se — rather, it is granted to and by us in our relationships. Effective use of power means granting the right amount to get the desired results over time. How much power? Depends on your goal.
Part II explores ways to equalize power and address conflicts when one person doesn’t want resolution.
