What’s a Healthy Boundary Between You and a Maniac? — part 3 of 3
By Daniel Robin
Hank says to me “It’ll never work,” just two days after his team’s proposal was approved. Shirley says the reason the project is doomed is that nobody ever talks to her. I innocently ask “What can you do about that?” and she snaps “I don’t have time for this!” and walks out of the room.
Whoa! How do you deal with people who are stressed out, adversarial, resistant and argumentative? Tell them to take a vacation? Or those so-called “difficult” people who seem bent on being just plain annoying? I’m not talking about setting garden-variety boundaries like asking a co-worker to give you direct feedback when all you’re getting is covert criticism. Such situations simply require healthy assertion of what you prefer, as described in Part 1 of this series.
After nearly being taken hostage on the SS Maniac, I’d like to offer the following tips for setting a respectful boundary when other people get “emotionally hijacked,” when the stakes are high, or when dealing with a conflict … once set, such boundaries can save you (and your peers) hours of needless suffering.
1. Attempt to mirror what’s going on for the other person.
“Oh, you’ve got a deadline, so it’s important that we talk right this instant?” If I can understand and acknowledge something about that person’s agenda or apparent situation (their issue, problem, concern, or frustration, … whatever it is), they will be better prepared for step #2. If you find yourself getting (or already) a bit frustrated with the intruder, you risk combining this step with the next. Don’t. When you remember to pause and notice what they want, both of your stress levels drop a bit. Remember, if it helps you to listen, dissociate slightly by saying to yourself “This is not about me.”
2. Handle resistance or negativity as necessary.
Even if I’m the one who is resisting, I’ll move the situation forward if my speaking takes shared responsibility for the dynamic. I might say: “How can we work this out so that you can get what you want, and I can finish my work and still leave by 6:00?”
By itself, this doesn’t resolve anything, of course, but it does set the tone for constructive, collaborative problem solving. Or, if they seem bent on blame or negativity, I might say “I can see you are upset [about something]… let’s stop here and pick it up again when I’m less distracted ….” Or, “This is awful … you’re out of time and … darn-it … I’m booked. What are you going to do?”
Each is an attempt to acknowledge both their situation and yours, while reasserting who is responsible for theirs (they are, not you!).
3. Directly assert what I want.
If the person or issue still looms (hint not taken), it’s probably going to be necessary to directly assert what you want. Of course, what comes before this step is fundamental to setting boundaries every day: (1) Know your limits and be clear about what you want, (2) Tactfully and openly communicate those goals and limits when the other person is able to listen, and (3) Be available to discuss or negotiate any differences. (These steps are described in Part 2 of this article series.) I’m making the assumption that, in this case, however, you are dealing with a personality or situation that defies reason.
So, if you wish to say “no” – your established priorities are more important than the issue they are presenting to you – then a healthy, adult boundary might sound like: “Let me see if I have this straight; you’re supposed to have this done in one hour and you want my help? Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” Or, if their need is more important to you: “Okay, I’ll help out this time, and when we’re done, let’s talk about how you can make future requests with more reasonable timeframes, … to make sure this never happens again.…”
Sometimes you might need to assert what you want several times in a row. Their ability to listen at such times will be minimal, so stay steady. If someone seems intent on picking a fight or debating a fact that you see differently, you can simply decline to participate: “I’m not available for this conversation,” “I’m not willing to argue about this,” or smile and say in an even tone, “This conversation just ended.” If you repeatedly state “I’m not willing to fight with you about that,” you also send an implied secondary message: “So, what else would you like to talk about?”
Another option is to use humor — and be careful of your facial expression or other non-verbal cues — to interrupt the pattern and creatively diffuse tension: “This is not a good time to discuss what you want … how about if you buy me a drink after work? Then we can discuss all the facts and even the “alternative facts” to your heart’s content!”
Still looking for help / support / skill-building opportunities with better boundaries? Try our worksheet or contact us for coaching services.
