Resistance occurs when some apparent difference arises between what you want and what someone else wants. The other person or group will demonstrate “resistance” to oppose what they perceive as a direction they do not wish to go. The mistake would be to “resist resistance” — that is, to react to their resistance as if to say “wait, you really do want what I want … let me explain…”.
That approach usually backfires, heightens their resistance, causes it to go underground, or causes a fight (dispute) and probably breaks rapport. If you keep doing that, you run the risk of doing damage to whatever good will and mutuality you had. Resisting resistance doesn’t work.
What works better? Acknowledge their apparent resistance and work with it. Use it to find a way to reach your goal, use it to get creative and find the basis for an agreement that would work for both of you.
Reframing Resistance to make it useful instead of seeing it as an obstacle
Websters’ dictionary defines resistance as “forces opposing,” but interpersonal resistance would be better (re)defined as “feedback” or as “evidence that we’re not on the same page” — and, most importantly, that there’s information missing. Although it is human nature to courageously meet opposition head on (or, for some, to wisely shy away from confrontation, hoping it ends up becoming a non-issue), a better approach is to move into and with resistance to understand what is at root cause of this supposed opposition. What, exactly, is their concern?
Then, and only then, once you understand it, get inside it, … can resistance become useful as a tool for learning something you may not have known, as a way to understand how this person thinks, as a way to get where you’re going that includes the other person’s needs and wants as well as your own.
Or in sales, for the customer to get where they’re going in a way that includes your offer, product, or service. People buy for their own reasons. Don’t expect them to buy for your reasons.
Of course, in life and in sales, it doesn’t always work out that way (sometimes conflicts occur that are hard to back down from, harder to regain trust, hard to keep positive and hopeful of a satisfying, “win-win” result, but even then, it is certainly better to know where you stand. That is the point of choice. Choice is always better than no choice.
And keep in mind that most “conflicts” are nothing-burgers. Rarely does day-to-day business lead us to the sort of dispute that erodes trust, ruins the potential for operating out of good faith, or otherwise undermines cooperation and leads to resentment or retaliation, thank goodness. Most run-of-the-mill resistance is easily managed and explored, and amicably resolved, if you shift your attention off of what you want for a moment, get curious about why they seem to not want what you do, and then demonstrate enough flexibility to find your way to a mutually satisfactory arrangement. Sometimes our sense of “conflict” or the need to “confront” the truth is all imagination (because we humans come equipped with a negativity bias), no substance. Handling resistance in this way will ensure you don’t inadvertently create a problem out of fear of the unknown.
Brace yourself. This could be easier than you think.
Articles:
- Six Keys to Handling Resistance
- Rapport: The Link to Gaining Cooperation
- The Reactionary Tango: Turning Opposition to Understanding through Aikido
- Seven Attitudes to Dissolve Conflicts
Relevant Skills or Coursework:
- All negotiation and conflict resolution skills
- Separating interpretations from observable facts
- Healthy boundaries and walking the line between assertive and aggressive
Short presentation available? Yes; Length: 1-2 hrs.
