By Daniel Robin
Joe had done his homework: “I propose that we put 25% of our training budget to work on giving people listening skills and that we postpone the management training course we’ve been considering.” Joe had worked out a detailed set of arguments about why his was the right direction. As usual, his manager saw it differently: truth was, everyone knew how to listen (even if they did it poorly), but few, if any, seemed to know how to manage their workload.
The boss began to disagree by saying, “Well, Joe, I’m sure you’ve got your reasons, but let’s hear from other people … does someone have a different idea?” Kathy, facilitating the meeting, spoke up immediately: “I’d like to hear Joe’s reasons before we pile on other ideas…. Joe, how would listening skills help us address our department’s key concerns?”
How does most negotiation work? Most negotiators put forth a strong proposal, listing their reasons for why it must be so, and then wait for a response or counter-offer that will satisfy their concerns. If that negotiator is you, I’d like to suggest a different approach. And if you’re dealing with another negotiator who has not read this article, here’s a surprising way to get what you want.
Universal Law: People Negotiate Better When They’ve Been Understood
When someone puts out their proposal, that person is least available psychologically to hear a counter-offer from you at that moment. What they really want to hear is something that indicates that you understand and can see the value and intent behind their proposal. Start by finding something to agree with; something that you recognize as valuable. Then, if you intend to make a counter-proposal, do so only after you’ve found and helped them to see a potential weakness or inadequacy in theirs.
Buying Time
While you examine their proposal, you buy yourself time to identify and discuss what works and what doesn’t. This gives you a chance to present your own ideas in the context of having understood the pros and cons of theirs. Without that context, there nothing more than a power struggle, jockeying for position, attempts to undermine and put each other down.
Instead, put the person up (and put parts of their proposal “in perspective,” once you’ve understood it). Trying to beat the other person is an ineffective win-lose game that comes from the human tendency to compete and win at their expense. It make be satisfying in the moment, but rarely works out well in the long-run.
Competitive Urges?
The best negotiators use their desire to win and compete to do what I call “coopetition.” A dumb word, but a great strategy. Out of the five strategies for handling differences (September 1995 Healthy Workplace), negotiation involves either collaborating, confronting or compromising. Compromise is either a last resort or simply “not an option” if you’re committed to win-win or no deal (for example, who takes custody of the children?). “Coopeting” turns confrontation into an art form.
Confronting gently enough can open up a collaborative conversation to “work it out for mutual gain.” Competitive urges that don’t include the other person’s interests, however, can lead to win-lose and damage, so the key is finding a way to confront that allows the person to extract your highest intentions.
This is not complex. You can simply state your intention at some point … “I’d like to collaborate on finding solutions to this.” or “I’d like to go with your proposal, and what that would take for me is ….” Other forms of coopetition include studying and learning about your negotiation partner’s interests so that you can explain what they mean better than they can. That depth of understanding will take the wind out of any would-be competitor’s sails. Arguments aren’t possible when you pay close attention to the other party’s interests, because there’s only one place left to go: understanding what you want.
Try it and see. Understanding the other person isn’t usually considered a power tool. You may be surprised to learn that your most powerful tool in negotiation is your compassion.
